Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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