ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize