Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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