Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
