He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
