Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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