Whod you bang
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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