Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
