So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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