That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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