NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
