dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
