Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
