I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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