theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
