So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
