what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize