Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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