all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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