if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You ruined the universe
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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