please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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