obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
