I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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