My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize