Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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