my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
