If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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