I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
