Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize