I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
