Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
