About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
