I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
