Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
