"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
