Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
