Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
