she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
