She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
