I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
