my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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