if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
