I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
