dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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