The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
