Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
