Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize