I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
