She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
