real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
