Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
