I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
