I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
