I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize