It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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