I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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