Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
