I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
