Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
