You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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