new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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