It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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