My room smells like vodka and shame
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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