Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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