Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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