I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
